I write for my own amusement...

Yaoi-Con '09 pics

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:19:13 GMT

Yaoi-Con in San Mateo, CA. I went this year. Duncan took all the pics. He went as Urahara Kisuke from Bleach. Unfortunately, I don't think he got a picture of himself. Just everybody that was there. There are 4 pages. Enjoy.
s216.photobucket.com/albums/cc92/erutara/Yaoicon%2009/

EDIT: OK, apparently he did manage to get a pic of himself... with Halibel. Lucky bastard...

You learn something new every day if you're not careful...

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:28:10 GMT

Inglourious Basterds was AWESOME. And speaking Italian with a red neck accent... I just about died.

On another note, I picked up a copy of The Jungle to re-read it. Been a couple decades and felt I should revisit it. (Because my memory is really crappy and I can re-read books over and over and find new stuff.) I am the only person I know that actually reads the prefaces, introductions, and forwards in books. Does anyone else do this?

Anyway, because I read the introduction I learned a couple things I never knew before: Upton Sinclair was a Socialist and the book was a major Socialist statement, amongst its other statements. Also, that he was vice president of a Intercollegiate Socialist Society in 1905, and guess who was the president of that little club? Jack London! I had NO idea HE had been a socialist. Weird... Strange thing history... and the fact that what seemed to be the 'in' thing in the early 1900s became a dirty word just a few decades later with the cold war and all. Usually you hear Socialist or Communist and you think of bad guys. I did... But come to find out that a lot of important people were involved in that movement. I love history. 8D

Not dead... really

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 00:45:00 GMT

You know... life and stuff. Nothing good can come of it.
Going to leave here in a few to go see Inglourious Basterds. Will write a real entry soon. I swear it.

Just trying to put my life back together

Sat, 30 May 2009 16:56:00 GMT

Yeah, sorry I've been away, but it's been one disaster after another around here.

Still haven't found a job, but the doctor's putting me on disability anyway until he can convince me to have the surgery on my back to fix that disintegrating disk. The problem has gotten to the point that my balance is affected. I can spontaneously tip over if I'm just standing still, and the numbness in my leg is now down to my calf. Not to mention the chronic pain. I'm popping pills almost as bad as House now, just to function.

My mom had been really sick and I've been taking care other plus doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping... you know all the stuff she usually does, on top of my own stuff and on top of monitoring my dad constantly so he doesn't kill himself or burn the house down. Oh, and disciplining the kid constantly because he keeps finding new and interesting ways of getting himself suspended from school.

My mom had gained 50 lbs of just water, and they had to drain fluid off her lungs and off her abdomen. She had 4 liters just on her abdomen. But they found cancer in it and now they are telling her she has months... and were pretty vague. She's going to go get a second opinion. especially since now that they got all the fluid off she feels better than she has in years. I would think if someone was dying from cancer they should be feeling worse, not better. :/

She's the only person I know that can be told she's dying from cancer and her response is "We're going to Disneyland!" No, seriously, she's got the whole trip planned and booked for the second week of June.

I'm doing my best to make my own way, since no one wants to give me a job. Things to supplement my income with, but I don't expect to make a living off of. Staring my own rabbitry, for instance. I will be raising Beveren, Creme d'argent, and Giant Angora. The kid has Netherland Dwarfs in the works. I have my beveren dow, and will be getting a buck here shortly, and I have the Creme d'Argents lined up. I'm on the waiting list with teh breeder for those. Don't have a contact yet for the GA. Working on that. But I will be showing and breeding.

Got my specimens buried and am finishing up cleaning the raccoon skeleton. Though with my back, I probably won't be selling bones much anymore. Too hard on me to get specimens cleaned, but I do plan on drawing them and selling the illustrations. I have a website, I just need to set it up.

I'll take commissions, too, for pet portraits, animals, flowers. Stuff like that, once I get the site set up. I'm thinking about making my original knitting patterns available for sale, too.

Anywhos, that's all for now.

Nostalgia

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:03:04 GMT

I don't know what exactly possessed me, but I suddenly remembered a show that I used to watch on Nickelodeon when I was a kid and wanted to look it up on youtube. Sure nuff, found several episodes of 'You Can't Do That On Televison' and was still enterrtained by the rampant stupidity. Unfortunately, now my kid is hooked on it and I'll have to show him more episodes.

updates

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 20:02:58 GMT

Still no job, and I got in with an temp agency. They have nothing. :(
But... finally got an unemployment check. Paid my bills and had enough left over to go grocerry shopping at sakura and pick up some japanese goodies.
So i made eel donburi today and scarfed that and three sticks of dango down. So good...
Writing= intermittent. Not anywhere near done with chapter 3 of five years.
Went to Duncan's yesterday to go withhim to Sakura, came back to the house and got my ass kicked with a sword, then switched to shinai and didn't fare much bettre. My arm is hella sore today. But he's probably not much better off from fending off my attacks.
School=OK. The fact that I can't buy the one book I have homework in irks me, but what do you do? I don't have $70. I barely had the $25 for japanese goodies.
And... that's all for now. I guess.

A sign from the unemployments gods

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 09:09:53 GMT

I gots a letter. It's just another 'fill this out and send it back' thing, but in the format I'm used to for filling out to get my unemployment checks. So they got my letter and my internet submission. Yay! This specifically says to not SEND it until the 18th, so that will be two chhecks I haven't got, but if I get a check at all I'll be tickled plaid. I feel really horrid having to borrow money from my parents in order to pay my bills, especially when I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay it back. I haven't even been able to buy any books or anything for my classes because they cost a total of $275. I don't even have $3 to my name right now. I can't bbuy anything off the dollar menu either.

Serioulsy thinking of asking the kid to borrow some money out of his piggy bank. Now that's sad.

I am really depressed abbout the job market right now. My luck has not been good. For the dozens of applications and resumes I've turned in since August of last year, I've gotten ONE interview and no hires. And the one interview was only because I had a friend at the place of enmployment for which I had applied. The fact too, that I couldn't even get an interview for pre-xmas wal-mart when I had worked therre before and knew the personel manager was really depressing.

Either the job market is that shitty or my luck is really, really bad.

I'm not quittting by any means though. Now that I'm taking accounting classes, I hope I can get hired as a bank teller or something for ow until I graduate and get an accountant job. Hopefully I can find something entry level now that will hhire somebody who is currently learning the procedures.

Woo! Trying to remain hopeful.

Thought for the day:

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 15:53:35 GMT

Say yes to gay marriage. They should be as miserable as everyone else. LOL.

sigh

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:58:51 GMT

Hitting the alcohol already this morning, LOL...

My aunt died monday. She's going to be cremated and her ashes scattered up at Daffodil Hill in the spring. Everyone's just kind of melancholy.

Woke up this morning to discover I'm having a herpes outbreak (yes, the nice parting gift that the ex and his girlfriend left me, considering I've never been with anyone else) on top of the raging bacterial infection. Sorry about the TMI, but the fact that I have no money to go to the doctor is just ONE MORE THING...

BUT... I was finally able to re-apply for unemployment online. Only because I had to lie on the three initial questions to get it to go past the 'you will not be able to file online, you need to call the number that no one answers' BS. And did you know...? The unemployment office does not carry ANY forms. And they can't hellpyouget a hold of anybodyy, eeither. They tell you to call the number that no one answers and has no hold line (it actually says when you call 'we arre receiving more calls than we can answer' and hangs up on you. there's no hold). The alt is to apply online, which in my case, toldme I couldn't and would have to call the number.

Don't know if it will do any good, but they can't say I didn't try to get hold of them.

Has anyone heard of any incidents where someone walked intothe EDD office with a shotgun? No? Surprised no one's lost it yet...

I don't have a shotgun, but I have a 6' German Flamberge and she's pretty sharp. I think they would get my point, LOL.

On another note, my forced identity crisis of late has made me feel really down, and I've kind of permnantly isolated myself fromfriends and family. Online peopleare OK I guess, as long as they don't get too close to me. Besides the constant humiliation of being introduced as 'Jenny' and various forms of feminine adress, my own kid is making me about a foot tall. He desperately needs friends and has been begging for a little brotehr, and why can't I just get pregnant? And 'do I not have a mommy?' Awkward stuff that I don't know how to answerand it makes me feel like a failure as a parent.

I was going to a trans group in Sacramento, but most of those guys are ex lesbians that were never in a hetero relation prior to transition and didn't have any kids. Most of them don't seem to be experiencing the problems I am, and if they do, they don't say anything about it. I just can't connect to them and I'm too shy to speak up and end up looking like a fool because I've been made to feel like my feelings are unimportant by thepeople I'm around on a daily basis. It's nnot like talking about it can solve any of my problems,either.

I'm just griping now to get it off my chest. I know nothing will be resolved.

I have no proof that the culprits of making me feel this way are doing it on purpose or not, so I continue to say nothing. The few times I've brought it up, I just felt bad for doing it, because they've had so much on their minds. *sigh*

Invalid as a man to me = invalid as a human being, so I guess I've been a fool to open my mouth and express how I felt about my identity in teh first place. I could still be married, with a home and a job if it weren't for that. Sure, I'd be living a lie, but at least I would have security and stability. Either way, I'm right back where I started before I spoke up, living in a mental fantasy world in order to keep going, because the outside world will never accept me. Only difference is that now I'm male on the outside and I'm still invisible.

I think I'll just be a hermit. Can one do that when they are forced to live with other people for lack of funds?

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:46:15 GMT

Bad news = the ex is now engaged to the one that caused the divorce. No hard feelings, just surprised they didn't get engaged the moment the dicorce went through. It's been over a year.

Good news = hidden_gems's scarf is done! I'll get it sent off as soon as I get a little money. Maybe monday...

I went and bought a virgin mary candle for my mom and aunt and lit it in the house, since our local catholic church no longer has a candle lighting section.

Not that God will listen to any of my prayers, as damned as I am, being trans AND gay, LOL.

Great... more bad news

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:13:41 GMT

The hospice just called to inform us that Aunt Susie has two or three days left to live. All because a doctor misdiagnosed her cancer as a goiter a year ago. I just feel numb. I lived with this person for six months, together with my parents, and I don't feel much. Maybe because there's already been so much crap that I just got nnothing left to feel? :/

Trying to convince my dad to drive my mom up there to see her sister before she passes away. Weather's really nasty though.

*sigh*

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:15:55 GMT

Despite my asociality of late, I spent last evenning at a friend's, just so my kid could beat up on his and vice versa. Just because I'm being unapproachable doesn't mean the kid have to sufer because of it. The beautiful thing about letting the kids stay up until midnight is that he slept in until 10 AM. The silence was golden.

Getting depressed looking at the job postings. Everything requires either an engineering degree or heavy lifting. And the fact that unempoyment seems to be making up excuses about why I am not getting a check hurts even more.

On an off note, hidden_gems's scarf is 1/3 done.

I survived the holidays!

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:54:19 GMT

They finally all went HOME. Jeez. Nothing says the hholidays like extreme discomfort and awkwardness amongst your own relatives. I probably offended my mother bymaking my dinner plate and returning to the safety of my room and avoiding everyone. But I think she probably gets that I am rather hurt that NO ONE bothered to even acknowledge that I'm male. Ad I'm so non-confrontational that I'm not going to keep reminding people who it won't do any good against. I got one xmas present- I wasn't expecting any- from my parents, addessed to Wally. They make they effort and they care, it's just they are in their 70s and forget sometimes and that's OK. They have a lot of other things to worry about and I'm not going to be a dick about the gender tags.
UGH, but I really don't want to look at another human being for at least three months. Hibernation commences.

Oh! On an off-note, Iwill dig for the yellow fuzzy yarn today and start that scarf for hidden_gems! Should only take me a couple days to knit!

I HATE having company over

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:21:19 GMT

I just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom shaving my face off, and go into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and my brother asks "Hey Sis, where's the tylenol?"

:(

Why do these people not understand I'm not a girl anymore? I'm tired of reminding them, so I just chucked the pills at him and went in my room and locked the door.

Can't wait for Christmas to be over and these people to go home.

Does anyone out there...

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:49:02 GMT

know how to take screen shots off the xbox 360?

Thanks to the AWESOME character customization feature on Soul Caliber IV, my dear friend has brought a good chunk of our characters to life!

And OMG, Halcyon is so adorable I want to lick the TV screen. Elizabeth is HOT chocolate, and Erutara is an absolute badass GOD. Koreeuthh looks incredibly like a red-headed Jin. Jazzur Kif is big, black, and THE SHIT. Adrian is the most fabulous gay that ever fabbed. Hal's sister, Giselle, looks very much the whore, and that's really, really OK... Both Butterfly and Cicada look very full of themselves, and have the attacks toback it up. (LOL, Cicada's weapon is a giant squid.) Tariethh looks scary with his wolf head, and Siran is ever the noble ice eagle.

Xzz looks like a total freak in the armor Duncan chose to put on him, and not so much like Toushiro OR David Bowie, LOL. But Xzz's hair, OMG, has NEVER seen a comb. Duncan says it's just the same as how I drew him, and he claims his hair is like that because being a pangolin in god form, and rolling around in a little armored ball all the time, your hair will get like that.

And as we foundout, Adrian's position as the Queen of Gays has been usurped. Once he made Orezhhu, a big black guy w/ buzzcut pink hair, we found out that it's not how you dress or what you look like, it is how you BEHAVE. Adrian is openly fabulous, but Orezhhu tries so hard to hide it and fails miserably. When one of your attacks is doing a pirouette on someone's back, and you are a giant buffed black guy, that trumps any scrawny little, dress-wearing fruit, LOL. We would need to somehow get video of that.

Needless to say, Duncan brought a much needed smile to my face, and in some instances (i.e. Orezhhu) I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself.

I would love to share them all with you, if anyone knows how to do screenshots off the thing. Duncan can't figure out how to do it.

Oh, and the drawing will not be done byxmas, I am sad to report. I have worn a hole into the paper erasing, it has made me very angry and I've put it aside for now. I haven't given up! And it doesn't have to be a xmas present that Buttterfly is forcing upon his beloved conquering armadillo (sorry- *pangolin*), it could be Xzz's birthday or something.

day was ruined, and then fixed

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:33:25 GMT

Ever have a bad dream that put you in a horrible mood the whole next day?

Yeah, I had one of those last night. I'vebeen trying so hard to just FORGET everything about what went down and then I had one of those recap dreams that went over the whole mess, just with completely different people and slightly different circumstances, as if to say ';it happened before and it will happen again'. Just a little reminder that no one can be trusted.

I woke up thismorning thinking 'That's RIGHT! I should avoid having friends and trusting family members, because you never know...' Well, I'm still feeling that way because of said bad dream, but my overall mood is better because MY SCHOOL APPLICATION HAS BEEN PROCESSED and I register for my classes on the 19th! Yay! It's still seems TOO easy, but I';m going to run with it for now and not get my hopes up.

doll!szayel progress

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:21:18 GMT

At least the body is done. I just have to put the face on. And really... don't know when that will be.

Prelim sketch is preliminary

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:06:03 GMT

Go ahead and laugh. It's an idea sketch, it's supposed to be really preliminary. God, I fail at drawing people. At least I finally figured out what to do w/ butterfly's hand. (Though it's probably not what the girls wanted to see him do with it, I'm sure.) Once I get the placement of things all figured out, I'll draw it for real.

But what about background??? I have no idea, and I fail more at drawing backgrounds than I do people. ARG

Don't look! It's awful!

Oh, and just because it is awesome, this is Xzz's pangolin scale jacket. (because his god form is a pangolin, he should wear it.) Except it will be like blue glass scales because that's what his god form is like.

Arg, I fail at drawing...

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 21:13:37 GMT

Finally starting to get somewhere w/ the xmas card thing, but I fail at proportions. I've got a nice prelim sketch of Butterfly forcing a gift onto my little Napoleon guy Xzz, but I am having trouble getting his arms drawn right. He's supposed to be standing behind Xzz w/ one arm wrapped around him so he can't escape and shoving a present into his face w/ the other. (beacuse Xzz, being mortal for the first time regards mortal holidays w/ much suspicion). I got their expression sketched in ok, it's just placement of limbs I have trouble with. The sketch is really sad, but it's a start. I'd scan it, but you'd all laugh. I'll scan it if someone can fix the damn arms so I can get to the next step.

And why is Xzz looking like Toushiro again? Gaw, either he comes out looking like David Bowie or like Toushiro I can't seem to hit a happy medium and make him look like Xzz.

And I am NOT looking forward to drawing his Pangolin scale jacket. It'll be awesome if I can pull it off, but... *sigh* Haven't settled on Buttterfly's manner of dress yet except refined and white. That's all I know. Would a casual suit be too much?

A Ray of Hope...

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 01:11:53 GMT

There are a TON of accountant jobs around here, surprisingly enough. And I am kicking myself that I decided to get married 10 years ago iunstead of finishing my AA in accounting. So... I went back to MJC, even though it's been near 15 years to see if I could take Accounting there. And woot! Not only can I start next symmester, but hlaf of the classes reuired for the AA in accounting I already took 15 years ago and it's still good! So yay! If I can't find a drafting job by the time I finish up there, I have accounting to fall back on!

Urg... and I really need to finish drawing hiddengem's xmas card. But Cicada and everyone else I'm trying to draw refuses to cooperate. Sorry, it might be late...

On a compltely different note...

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:53:51 GMT

This just made my day. 8D
Safeway has alligator shaped french bread! I bought two! And... if you cut his back open, one package of spinach dip fits perfectly in him! They are AWESOME! Though they look a bit like angry pangolins...

Depressing post is depressing :(

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 07:31:11 GMT

I can't imagine why I'd be depressed and cranky... *Insert sarcastic smirk here*
I STILL can't find a job.
I have more bills than I am getting money from unemployment.
The meds and the physical therapy don't seem to be doing aything for this chronic back pain.
And then my mom just spent the past three days in the hospital for internal bleeding.
I'm having some trouble finding my happy place. The episodes with fornicaras only elicit the smallest of squees, which quickly dissapate. The bunnies seem as cantankerous as I am and are hiding in the corners of their cages refusing hugs. And the porn is all meh... I really don't want to be around anyone as I'm extremely uuncomfortable with how others perceive me right now and the holidays are coming up and I have been told that we are going to my sister's for what is going to be known as the holiday that was previous my favorite.
Blech.
Sorry I have no good news.

Updates

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 15:50:45 GMT

Thanks all for the thoughts and encouragement.

1) My dad came through surgery fine and is going to be startiing chemo soon. He walked my aunt's brute of a Dalmation the night he got out of the hospital andcouldn't understand why he was sore. XD Dumbass...

2) My uncle's doing fine too. Had his surgery thsi last week. I think he's been released from the hospital, but I don't know if he has to have chemo.

3) My aunt is accepting treatments now and is in better spirits. Honestly, just because someone says your terminal doesn't mean you should just roll over and give up. The doctors aren't ALWAYS right about that stuff. Hopefully they are wrong and the treatments will do some good. She is staying at mmy other uncle's now with her boyfriend. (I have 6 uncles, so it gets confusing... I can't even keep them all straight and they've been calling here like crazy.)

4) Went to the neurosurgeon and he said I havve a disintegrating disk in my back because of the rod in my spine from the scoliosis surgery when I was 13. Basically, because they hhad to fuse those vertabrae to stop teh twisting, it ut strain on that disk below the fusion and he said when they do that kind of procedure, after 20 yearsm, that disk starts to give out. All he can do is another surggery to fse THAT vertabrae to the rrest, but hat just gives another 20 year warranty before the one below THAT gives out. So the longer I can go without surgery, the better. So, lots of pain meds and physical therapy will hopefully buy me another 5 years. Hope my leg doesn't become fully paralyzed before then...

5) My parakeet finally died, but he'd been sick for a while now and there was nothing anybody could do for him. I'm just glad that he's not suffering anymore. It was a relief to see himgo. hard to look at himevery day and not be able to do much for him. But I got attached to a bright green keet at the pet store when I weent to pick up bunny junk and he's now splitting ear drums in our home. Nice to have the screaming again.

6) BUNNIES. STILL.

Why I have not been posting and why doll!Szayel isn't finished

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 00:56:50 GMT

Yeah, too much going on. I have excuses other than my rampant addiction to ponystars and pokemon:
1) desperately tring to find another job.
2) BUNNIES
3) my dad is going in for surgery on monday for some cancer in his abdominal wall and willsoon be starting chemo treatments.
4) my aunt was diagnosed with tthroat and lung cancer and is in hospice and supposedly terminal, we are babysitting her dalmation dog.
5) I have chronic pain and am losing feeling in my right leg and am spending a lot of time in and out of the doctor
6) my uncle was just diagnosed today with colon cancer
7) Art show coming up that I have done no art for
8) taking kid back and forth to shrink because he is having behavioural problems and wants us to kill him. (*rolls eyes*)
9) catching up on sleep because I can't sleep at night with numb leg and chronic pain.
10) BUNNIES

I hope that sums it up! Sorry for not being around! I hope you forgive me!

I have a new respect for farmers

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:36:58 GMT

Some of you may hate me, but Hasenpfeffer has lived up to his name. I have been tolerant and patient, but I lost my patience and he was looking tasty. Yes, i am a bunny-killer. I am going to guilt trip the Aunt, who still comes over with her damned dog without warning and inform her that Has was impossible to tame because he was constantly on edge because of the dog. Truth be told I have never HATED an animal as much as I learned to despise Hasenpfeffer. I gave the bastard everything and all I got in return was scars. *shrug* Some bunnies are for the hugging and some are for the eating. But holy cow that is work! It is different when you are cutting up an animal for research. You don't have to be careful what you cut quite as much, and I never cut through bone because it's usually the bones I want. I have never killed an animal on purpose before, either. But it wasn't so bad. I was angry enough at him that I got back at the brat for every time he bit or scratched me. I won't tell you how I dispatched him though. But the skinning, gutting, and dressing the thing was hard work! Could I do it again? I could if I had no connection to the animal at all and consumed three energy drinks to get me through it. You have to get it all done in one go. You can't just dabble in the cutting and take a break, because the meat will spoil. I got him in the freezer now and I just have to find a pan big enough for him. But I think I'll buy rabbits at the grocery store instead of raising another. Unless someone dumps another bunny on my doorstep that tries to take a chunk out of me.

On an odd note, Hal has been distant. I feel bad about killing Has only because he had to see that. I don't know if rabbits understand what is going on, but he sure has been acting not quite himself. He spent two days mostly in his box and wouldn't come out. He seems to be snapping out of it now, but he was sure acting weird. No problems with Smokey. I'm convinced that bunny is either too inbred or is really a dumb blonde.